Monday, December 28, 2015
The Heart Wants What It Wants
I want you to know , seems like you don't
I want you to care , seems like you don't
I want you to love me back , seems like you don't
I want you to be serious with me , seems like you don't
I want you to call me when I don't replied you , seems like you don't
I want you to wish me night and morning everyday , seems like you don't
I want you to be honest with me , seems like you don't
I want you to tell me what you wanna tell me , seems like until today you don't
I want you to talk to me every single thing , seems like you don't
I want you to proud when you got me , seems like you don't
I want you to always sees me as your girl , seems like you don't anymore
I want you to feel how important am I for you , seems like you don't
I want you to miss me , seems like you never
I want you to be like before , seems like you've changed
I want you to say "that's my girl , seems like you don't
I want you to really sensitive about me , seems like you don't anymore
I want you to ask me to skype , seems like you don't want anymore
I want you to bring me places , seems like you don't want anymore
I want you to make me shy , seems like you don't want anymore
I want you to tell me something pleasant about myself , seems like you don't
Actually I want you . I WANT YOU .
Well yeah . I really miss everything we had . We're not that close anymore . Sometimes when I see you , I feel like I'm looking at a stranger with a millions memories . Sometimes , when I look at you , you are you . The one that my heart chose . I wonder why god sent me you in my life if you are actually only a sweetest dream of mine that couldn't be mine ? Idk why i've put so much hopes on you . But if you didn't treated me well at the beginning , I think this feeling wouldn't be this high . Like having weed you know hahaha 😣 It sucks . It's hurt . It's sweet also . It's wonderful . You can't expect me to be fine , but I don't expect you to care .. Aaa , please .. Can we go back to the beginning of us ?? I promise , I won't put any hopes on you and fix whatever that I could . Can we ?
#falling in love isn't my intention but my heart decision 😣 i just did it .
Friday, December 18, 2015
AGAIN
Hi, Assalamualaikum
*Blow the haze* - It has been months since I left you my dear bloggie <3 p="">
Well, I've just finished my first sem here. I want to move on . I mean , I don't even wanna know my result though cause I know It's bad so yeah. Move on la , don't look back again haha .
The main reason why I'm writting here this evening is mainly because wanna share some stories happened during my first sem and yeah, currently still happening. IDK how to start but, here we go.
Well actually I knew this guy. He's my classmate, same age but different race and religion. So yeah. He is so kind,romantic .. Okay, basically he's a boyfriend-type. We started knowing each other since the 'refunding class money' incident. It was 19/10/2015 . Since then, we become closer and closer and closer. I never thought that we could be this close until I fell for him. I mean, second time fallen. Dia berjaya . Berjaya buka semula hati aku yang dah lama terkunci for men. He started with crazy, funny and ridiculous pick-up lines . Though I didn't even take all the pick-up lines as a serious words but you know , lama-lama siapa je yang boleh tahan? He always made surprises to me. Being funny to me . Teasing me . Treated me well. Be patient with my childish-act sometimes. Well , I felt like I'm a special person to him . At first I denied that I have feelings to him . I keep on reminding myself, I can't have him . Major problems is WE ARE TOTALLY DIFFERENT . The way of life is different ! I cannot have him . Stop that feelings cause you can't have halal him in your life . But, I was lose. Lose to my own feelings . The more I denied, the serious my feelings be. But It was . Yeah It was .
He did everything I can't imagined could happened in my life . He surprised me a lot. A lot - like no one would ever do or treat me as special as he did. He bought me shoes , treat me sushi , bring me anywhere I wanted to go, compile all my favourite songs in a CD , gave me letters .. Oh yeah , the most touched moment was when . Okay cite die macam nie . (Week before final) That morning I ate ferrero rocher and suddenly I felt like I wanna update my twitter status and talk about how ferrero rocher amazed me . I said that I don't really favourite chocolates but I can't deny that Ferrero and Nutella amazed me somehow when it melts in my mouth . I said also that the taste of Nutella still can't beat Sarelle . Well it was just a status . But then you know what happens ? He said he went to AEON just to find the Sarelle but couldn't found it hence he decided to buy nutella and ferrero rocher to me . I was like ... Aaaa It was just a status and suddenly you bought them for me ? Felt like crying man ! Thanks so much MLYS :")
Yeah everything was so fine until that night.. When he said he have something important to tell me but he dont know how to start . He said it is even worse than a presentation. At first I thought he wanna propose me *laugh at myself so hard* . WTF . Then, I called him and I asked him whether it's a good thing or a bad thing . He said, It's a bad thing so he's gonna tell me after the final. Okay I was so curious . Lots of things came to my mind . And tbh, somehow my feelings started to fade off . Dah lah dengan jarang bercakap cakap . Cause we used to talk a lot each day - that's why I don't want to start . Okay lah , I considered because it was final week. Okay, then that weekend I really wanted to go out , going somewhere . Watch movies or anything . The final week has done . Means like , that was the only week that you can do anything wasting-time-kind-of-activities . *Lagha sangat* . No la , I mean , the only week that you can really enjoy yourself right ? Then, he was still with 'taknak layan' mood kot . Lagilah I rasa I kene ignored. I didn't went out that week because he said he wanna brings me out then at last, he kept quiet and lost in action . Frustrated dia , takleh nak cakap sampai swear taknak dah keluar lagi . I was so upset . So upset . Damn upset . Tahniah . Then he asked me to take his left tupperware in the examination hall . I woke up early that morning *membawa hati yang luka lara*, I breakfast first then, I went to the examination hall, hoping the hall is opened . I'm waiting until 8.40 . Seems like, no one would use the hall that day . Then I rushed to level 4 to take the key . They said , they didn't hold the key . Try to ask guard . *Try to ask* . K fine fine . Ketiak dah basah ni . Haih abang . Kenapa kau tak specifically tell me which guard ! Okay lah . Then I rushed to the hall again, find the guard . K, takde . Hahaha . Turun bawah try tengok which guard yang ada and luckily, ada guard perempuan tu . And I asked her . She straight away roger-roger another pak guard yang pegang kunci tu . After like 3 minutes waiting, the guard pun sampai and terus naik balik pergi exam hall tu . Masa tu takyah cerita lah, ketiak basah HAHAHAHAH . K , tu selingan je guys, selingan je . Hahahaha . Then, lepastu terus ke kelas , luckily the lecturer came a bit late also . Haha . I said to myself "Sokay to sacrifice to the one that made you happy . Just one thing and it's gonna be the last pun. Don't feel tired hunny,". And I noticed that in class , he's so close to this one girl. A girl that same race with him . S-O-M-E-H-O-W-I-F-E-L-T-J-E-A-L-O-U-S- . Sangat . Lagi-lagi hari khamis tu . I sat behind so I could see everyone . That Tuesday I said lets go pasar malam then he said khamis la . Okay I agreed and didn't go to the pasar malam that Tuesday with my friends cause I thought we would go to pasar malam on Thursday . But then, that wednesday night, he kept quiet . He didn't even mention about going oit for tomorrow . Senyap lagi . Ignore me . Ignore . Aku pun nak ignore kau . So, that night at 2 o'clock in the morning I messaged Syamim and asked him to go out cause I wanna find reason to not go out with him . Purposely . IDK why I'd be like that though . K basically cause I love him too much but I NEVER KNOW how he feels bout me . He ignored me . 2 weeks already . -If one day could be 1 year , how about 2 weeks?- I'm crazy already .
So , actually I have another 1 thing to settle with him which is my hutang . So , I asked him to come over to take the money . Then , over .
If you're reading this ,
I hope you know how actually feel for you . If you know my stories , yeah my past stories - about what made me paranoid of men and kind of hate men ... Yeah I wish you know . You know something ? You're the second person that successfully dominated my heart . You opened it and gave me happiness and now . Why you closed it back simply by just ignoring me and did things that made me lost respect to you ? You know it hurts me a lot when you try to close it back ? I did lots of things to JUST KNOW how you feel for me . Who is me actually to you ? That u treated me like .. I'm a special person to you . Do you know that you gave me hopes ? DO YOU KNOW THAT ? I'm dying inside man . I can feel like I'm a real loser . Yeah , a real loser man . I lose with my own feelings . I'm just so done with all these . I'm emotionally , physically and mentally tired . We have 3 choices in life : Give in , Give up and Give it your all . AND I CHOOSE GIVE UP . Let's just be a friend . Stop treating me like I'm so special cause I don't want to put any single feeling or even hope on you . I'm putting the dot already . Means, no more chance to take my heart back , And here , take back your heart that you told I stole it from you . I'm just so done . So done trying everything JUST TO KNOW hows you feel . I just want to know that actually . Do tell me If you need me again :')
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