Love Who You Are
Assalamualaikum and hi everyone ! So we meet again in
this new post J After tired being in the battle of war with my own
self, now I feel a bit motivated (more motivated indeed). I collected all my
strength , pick all those pieces that fell onto the ground , injected new soul
and motivation to make up a new version of me . Lucky, I have few friends that
really supported me while I was really scourge by the awful event in my life
recently. Well I believe that every person deserved to choose happiness over
devastation/sadness right . So am I. I woke up from my bad dreams, I try to worked
out. I went out with my friends, chilling and all, I went somewhere alone and I
enjoyed seeing all those masterpiece created by the almighty, I find anything
that could make me found my-old-self again. I did something that I’ve never
done in my life, cause I want to stop my brain from keep playing all those
memories and moments. And of course, to forget all that takes time. I took all
the times that myself need to heal emotionally. Moving on doesn’t take a day
right? It takes a lot of little steps to be able to break free of our broken
self. As everyone knows, the plight of heartbreak can’t simply be compared to
any physical pain experienced right? Of course, in metaphorical terms, it could
be a ‘stab’ in the heart, or our heart is being ripped out, but yeah, none of
these really do it justice :”( The pain , the weeks , months or years it takes
to be fully repaired . So yeah, it’s not easy of course. They said “The poison
leaves bit by bit, not all at once. Be patience. You are healing” Okay I’m healing
now:”)
And today, I choose to be happy. I choose to let go. I
choose to be myself. To love myself. To cherish myself. Today, I choose to let
go of people whose company is toxic to my peace of mind. Today, I choose to
stay away from closed doors and not to craft a wall around my heart. I choose
to decorate it with the lessons I’ve learned. I choose to paint it with respect
and confidence. Today, I choose to plant my own gardens and decorate my soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring me flowers. Today, I choose to forgive
myself for being too much, for allowing me hurting myself too much. Today I
choose to embrace my flaws. I choose to accept my mistakes. I choose to walk
away from places that I don’t belong to. I choose to embrace my time. For all
that is timeless is precious. All that is precious is unique. All that unique
is different. And all that is different is beautiful. YES , I CHOOSE TO BE
BEAUTIFUL. TO BE BEAUTIFUL IN THE WAY I AM :P
And indeed, from what had happened today I
know god let this happened to me cause god wants me to learn something. Learn
something that no one could ever teach me this. Experiences are the best
teacher to us; things that you will never learn from anyone but from yourselves
and you’ll need it one day to survive in this cruel little world. I felt that
I’ve been tested with things like this few times already until at some points,
I felt like giving up already. But every time it came to me, my soul wakes me
up, reminding myself that I’ll never know what’s coming, so I need embrace. God
is preparing me to be someone better in future. It’s either to benefit for others
or for my own self. Be strong now to make things well in future. I keep
reminding myself to stop from being a blamer to my own self. I need to stop from
being over thinking. I need to stop asking “WHY” to everything that happened because
I know I won’t get the answer that I need, sooner nor later. There is no
explanation for that even if there is, it feels like nothing really matters
anymore.
Once you decided to leave me, go and never
return. No need to make U-turn or
whatever. Just no, thanks J
Oh just to highlight here alright peoples; I’m so allergic to liars. Just stay away alright. You know every religion
I believe, my parents and my teachers never taught me to speak lie to people so
do I, expecting people to not speak lie to me. If you loved to speak lie or if
that is your native language, sorry honestly I’m not a person that you
should talk to. Lying is a sin. And one lie leads to many lies. The amount of
sins just keeps piling up. Think before you speak! BU, counting other people’s
sins doesn’t make you a saint! Okay, straight to the main point alright. I’m a
good listener , I’m good at making promises and I did whatever I promised to
people , I’m a nice person, I’m loyal, I’m pretty good on appreciating peoples
that helped me a lot (even little also) and I have that pretty little heart
actually, but if you think I’m being bitchy to you , then you should ask yourself
why. Because obviously the answer is with you.
You can compare with how I treat others J – probably I know how to
appreciate people like you too. I learnt how to not easily trust people’s words,
from you. I learnt how a guy could easily use girl to replace blanks in his
heart by making her fell so deeply then left just like that, from you . I
learnt how ‘making a person as one of my habit was a totally wrong action’,
from you. I learnt to not simply fell for those stupid ‘sweet-words’, from you (I
admit I was so gullible before this, but not anymore). I learnt not to stay by
someone that was just experienced recent break-up side, from you. I learnt to
not easily think that someone like me when they do all those sweet things
(messages, letters, long messages, outings, treating or whatever fuck on earth
they did), from you. I learnt a lot from you right? Oh wow . Hahahaha just WOW
BOY WOW!! I was totally fucked up but yeah, shits happened sometimes in our
life. HOW CAN I DON’T KNOW HOW TO APPRECIATE PEOPLE LIKE YOU Opps . hiks!
Oh
ya . Forget to tell you something. You know on the day that you tried to block
and unblock me on Twitter (to make me unfollow you literally) , actually there
was a notification on my twitter . Suddenly your account appear on my screen
and tell me the person blocked you and unblocked you. Like WTF man. I was
literally laughed so hard cause you were trying so hard to hide everything from
me! What so important until you need to hide everything from me? Lewlzzzzzzzzz
. So then, I help you la. I help you to block me la. I blocked you already so
deal la kan, I won’t know your news and so you too. Even snapchat also want to
hide? WTF? Okayla, just recently I can saw all your snaps so yeah, whatever. I knew that you hide from me cause that day I
was playing with somebody’s snapchat and saw your snap. I went back and check
my snap whether I block you or something like that. But then, I wasn’t so just
then I knew you were trying to really hide things from me. Oh, so you’re being
coward, dastard, poltroon now?J
You really ah. Funny as fish. One more thing, you always told me that you felt bad
to this thing to that thing, BUT why never feel bad on what you have done to me?
Or was it just a ‘fake’ feeling? Feeling bad on others? Hahaha. Double lewlzzzzzz. Now
I know already. Don’t you feel bad when you’re doing something that leads a
girl to have even a single hope on you, fell for you (well actually fell for
your lies) when you actually feel nothing? Hah. I’m not an easy-fall-in-love
with a guy but when I did, I really am and it’s true. Too bad, this time with a
wrong person. Unfortunately with someone like you? LOL???? What karma is
hitting me right now I wonder. I never did something like what you did to me
before this but this happened to me. Laugh la. Laugh harder. Cause I didn’t know
that it was just your trap! It was just your game. HAHAHAHAHA wow! If only I
can share what you wrote to me that made me really thought that was real, I
would. Puas tak sekarang?? Big clap
peoples. Big clap to him! He succeeds already. Okay lah. Pissed off tak? Pissed
off kan? Yeah, pissed off with your own self. Ask yourself what have you done.
Don’t get mad at me because, if this wasn’t your fault, if you didn’t touched
what you shouldn’t touch (I meant my heart, don’t get it wrong peoples), if you
didn’t said things you shouldn’t said to people you never have feelings, if you
didn’t treat me more than a friend, if you didn’t made me to build hopes on you
little by little, of course, things wouldn’t be like this. And you will never
come to my mind and eventually you won’t come to be an idea for me to write
about you. Why you choose me to be your heart-break medicine? Why me? Because
I’m too innocent ? or what’s your reason? Tell me why
If
only you know ,you were always be the first person that I really wanted to
share everything I did or got or even to tell how was my days went on. But when
I was about to tell you suddenly I realized you weren’t my ‘someone’ anymore.
If only you know, you were the first and the last person I think when I woke up
and before I sleep. It became a habit! You were my habit. I couldn’t brain how
things could change so fast but just wonder how slow I to get rid of those
habits am. Insane. I used to be so happy whenever I looked at my phone coz I
know I will get messages from you but now, I’m so afraid to look at my phone
with the same reason also. If only you know you know your Swarovski bag that
you gave me also, I still keep it. I could just throw it instead of keeping but
you know, I feel like I don’t have anything else that could remind me of those
great days while with you except those some stuffs you gave (they brought
memories each and pieces of stories behind them). So I keep them all. I never
thought that this how our ending is. But god knows the best right. How I wish I
could wrap my heart around you to make you feel how I felt about you- probably
now I feel nothing already. You should’ve hate yourself by now because just now
you know how much you gave impact on my life! Then, you let me crawling like
shit to go out from the cage that you kept me inside. I loved to re-read your
messages but now I hate it because I know they were actually the cage that
traps me in. You were never meant it. You just wrote it to express your feelings
to somebody but not for me. Just now I knew. WOW. But it’s okay. Happened
already. I chose to start over a new life. I don’t hate you. Not even a bit because
of this. I don’t have any idea about how a message about class refund could
lead to another message and other messages till we really get attached to each
other.
[This is the book
that I compiled everything about you, what you gave, recording everything we
did and I am proud to show to anyone that want to read this book and I won’t
throw this book forever]
I
know I could only write words over and over again but, I realize it changes
nothing! I could scream it at the top of my lungs and let the world know how
you have hurt me, but the past will not hear me nor pay me any mind. I could
hate you, I could keep the hatred for you deep inside of me and let it there as
a reminder of the pain you brought to me. But, I’m the only one who knows that
it exists so why create it? You were the person that could have been any number
of things to me. I really had faith in you. I trusted you and the promises you
made. I believed you and disregarded your ambiguity. I let you in. I relentlessly
defended you. I saw the beautiful parts of who you were. I did made plans and
kept them in my head like a guaranteed my magnificent dreams would become
reality. I gave you all I had and now I am left feeling empty and cheated. BUT
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE STRANGEST AND MOST UNBELIEVABLY PART OF ALL THESE? I
forgive you. You and I are different people but in the end we’re the same. We
are human. We let each other down. We abuse trust. We break hearts. We made and
keep constantly making mistakes by mistakes. I know I have shared mistakes as
well. I’m pretty sure that I have hurt you too. I realized that there are some
parts of you that I’ll never truly understand and therefore cannot fit into the
small boxes of reasoning that I have tried to place around these complex
situations. I know there were reasons why I put my belief in you and therefore
there are reasons why I still want the absolute best for you. You could be a
lover, friend, parents, child or whatever but whoever you are, I want you to
know that you have hurt me but with the small little heart that I have, I
choose to forgive you. I don’t forgive you because it makes me feel like a good
person nor because I don’t want to deal with the recognition of your actions
nor because I’ve forgotten everything you’ve done to me. But on the contrary, I
forgive you because I remember that we’re both humans and humans teach each
other in both positive and negative ways. I remember that you brought me nice
memories and emotions that made me feel alive. I remember that if you were
worth my trust and love, you are worth my forgiveness as well. And I myself,
worth the relief of being able to let go everything that my little heart holds.
I know I’m strong and alive, and free to experience all depths of love and loss
also. You were a piece of me and that piece will not eat away at my soul like
hatred would. It will live inside of me in a place that is preserved by
forgiveness and humility. And for that, I will be moving forward and will
become a better person J
This
is the process of growing up. People come and go. Everyone that came to our
lives bring something to teach us. God let us meet each other to teach each
other something and learn something. I admit that this is one of my hardest goodbyes
in my life. I experienced this lots but this one is one of the greatest insane
goodbye that I’ve ever had. I believe that ‘we’ll never have the perfect time
to say a perfect goodbye to some goodbye events’ – it’s true. Even worst
peoples when I see him every day but act like we never know each other or in
the other words, it’s like we’re being like “We are strangers with 1000
memories” to each other”. Well right now I feel nothing already. I’m not saying
that I’m healed but I feel better. I could accept this is the fate that is destined
between us. You’re just a friend to me and I just laugh on your annoying stupid
jokes (he’s a funny guy indeed). Peoples, bear this in mind and always remind yourself
when you are about to hurt others, “The girl that you hurt today is the girl
that her father trying so hard for the rest of his life to make her happy all
the way” J Well, we all make mistakes. The very first step is to
admit that we’re not perfect. We can’t fix what’s broken if we don’t recognize
it’s broken. Right?
But
god still loves me when he removed you from my life to actually made me to only
rely on him cause he’s the most powerful right ? J Well 3 months is enough to make you one of my life-teacher to teach me
whatever that I need to know. And now, I have nothing to worry anymore. I know
I have someone else that loves me more than anyone else does. Dear you, life is too short to blame people
and create a negative environment to ourselves. Why would I get mad at you when
I should have to thanks to you instead? Yeah , TBH I was angry at you because
making my life like this messy but when I think about it back, there shouldn’t
be any hatred feeling to those that helped us a lot to know about life better
right. Life is wonderful. What is life if we are always being in the constant
state? God gave us feelings to experience all ups and downs. Without problems
or conflicts, we won’t know ourselves. We won’t know how far our reliance upon
god is, and how far our trustier on god is. We won’t know lots of things if god
doesn’t test us. We often hear people said, if we want to know whether our friends
are good friends or not, we need to see them during our hard times. Without
hard times, will we ever see who our real friends are? – Exactly the same
concept we applied here J because jannah (paradise) isn’t free so we have to
work to get it by embracing with all these. World is indeed a temporary place.
We don’t have much time to waste on things that cannot pay us to get into the
paradise. As we grow up, time becomes shorter for us to collect whatever that
could help us to get into the most beautiful that has been created by the
Almighty. What is world to compare with the endless blessings place?
The
most important lesson that I learned myself is, I need to love who am.
Love myself. Learn how to build a bit of ego and know my pride. Standing tall
even though I’m short (I’m 151 cm only)- K selingan je tu haha - , try to keep
it cool , saying “yes” when I need to . I was lost in doubt, all I cared about
was to find a way of fitting in. Heart filled up with a fear of people leaving
me when I already gave them my heart and prepared them a room in my heart
already (My beloved kaklong’s theory. Lucky she said I got that biggest room in
her heart). You could see at the way I talked, just the way I walked, it was
really tearing up my self-esteem. Yeap , it really was L Now, I’m not an old me . I’ve grown up. I’m mature
enough to choose right peoples to give them to buy room in my heart (not
renting).LEWLS SANGAT! I promise to myself that I’ll never let myself sink
again in other’s selves. I need to give myself a priority too over other
peoples. I have to be brave! *Sounds so motivated* hoyeah hoyeah hoyeah! <- o:p="" plkn="" sesangat="">
Dear
people all over the world, DON’T EVER FORGET TO LOVE, KEEP LOVING WHO YOU ARE,
DON’T EVER FORGET YOU SHINE, SHINING LIKE A STAR. There’s something so perfect,
courage in everyone so don’t ever let yourself stop loving who you are. No
matter, you are always beautiful, you are incredible. LOVE YOURSELF FIRST BEFORE
LOVE SOMEONE ELSE PEOPLES! Don’t put yourselves in others. Believe with what
you believe with your own self. We are pretty in the way we are. Someone will
see it one day. Some peoples will just so regret of losing us one day. Someone
will treat us right one day. Someone will be so obsessed with the stupid us
today one day. Someone will love us inside out. Someone will appreciate
whatever we did to them one day. We’ll become a true queen to a perfect king
and cute princes and princesses one day. Someone will take you into their life
with the most honourable way one day, not just with those stupid words and
pickup lines. Those I mentioned do take times.
Just be us. Don’t change because of others. Change yourself for the god
sake and believe that your changes will be repay with someone that is worth to
get you. Leave that on god. JJJ Bruno Mars said, just the way you are and Justin
Bieber said love yourself. Remember to
always love yourself first before you love anyone else.
#dearfriends,
If I were to hide my wings
and bundle myself back up into my cocoon, would you then try to take what I
give, understand my silence or lift the weight off my shoulders?
-najwa zebian-
